Aeon brought this user contest to Board 8 in the Summer of 2006. It quickly became known as one of the most entertaining and original contests on the board. The general premise was a bracket of what ended up being 32 users, facing off against each other in a battle of rhymes, in the traditional tournament format. In each match, the lower seed went first, and then the higher seed was able to respond, then the lower seed responded, etc, for three rounds, or a total of six raps, each of which could be no more than 12 lines long. The first rap of each match and every response had to be posted within 24 hours of the topic's posting and the previous rap's posting, respectively. This rule caused a fair amount of disqualifications due to forgetfulness.
The Tournament Edit
Complete up to the semi-finals, when the tournament was abandoned due to declining interest and general slothfulness.
The Raps Edit
~Round 1~ Edit
Battle 1: Shake vs EdEdit
Stevis: Yo' Ellis! Stevis is back with an attack to rock you fellas!
You're wired in a frame of suck with too much shame to duck and forfeit
I'm the juggernaut, *****, I'll flame you the **** into orbit
Because I'm stellar, Shake's last girlfriend even said so
I think she used the words extra-terrestrial, what do I care, she was into trio's
You're a cave-dweller, to my astronaut
Yet I've been neckdeep into places you can only dream about
They'd be nightmares of hairs giving you scares to share
Which would teach you not to meddle in a man's affairs
I've got the balls to prove it, am not afraid to use it, you'll be caught unawares by my liquid
You couldn't catch my white spit with a baseball mitt
So ready your eyepatch, mister Bellis, for a game, set match, don't throw a fitt, just submit, acquit, and shut it.
Mornin’, Master Shake, time to kick ya outta bed,
Cuz you crossed me on the stage and I’ma leave ya for dead
See, rappers in classes above ya done fled –
But you stickin’ around? Didn’t cha hear what I said?
Now I’m not tryin to say that you ain’t got no cred,
You been hangin’ round here since I was bein’ spoon-fed
Rilin’ up all the users and makin’ em see red
Gettin’ axed like an e-version of Ressam comma Ahmed
But ya been gone for awhile, so get this through ya head –
There’s a new boy in town who done rose in your stead
He’s sweet on the outside, but that layer’s now shed –
The new king of Board 8 – a slick wordsmith named Ed.
Stevis: Alright, Ed, first things first: You're white!
No use acting like Pepsi when you're nothing but a Sprite
But you're right, I've been caged up for too long
Held back by the mods who don't appreciate a schlong
I also have to tell you that you're rappin' to the wrong dick
Talking to the monkey with the organ grinder in the room, slick
I'm Stevis, not Shake, and I'm a grade-A prick always a step ahead with bed-cred
Now get out of here and get someone worthy instead
I've banged broads who could do better then end everything with 'ed'
You're not fit to put the condom on me, your hands are too small
But I bet that works out lookin' at the size of your balls
You're boring, static, uninspired, plastic, and most certainly not fit to compete with the phallus fantastic
You Stevis? You Shake? Boy, it’s all the same –
If you brought your A-game I might remember your name!
Instead alls I do is profane and ashame
Opponents who don’t recognize my claim
To the top! Y’all think I’m just good for one drop
Of an overused beat just to make ya heads bop?
I just didn’t wanna make it too complimicated –
I figured you’d flee if my armor was plated
But now y’all step back, cause my sword is serrated
And I mean both kinds – cuz the one you just hated
Gon break out its sheath and give y’all a scare –
I just hope I can see it in the microscope’s glare.
My A game? Ed, sweetie, you seem to forget
I've got a long way to go, can't tip 'em off yet!
You can relax though, you don't need to worry
As you'll know when you see the fury of my flurry
You're a stat-head, number-cruncher, duller then dull
I'm surprised you don't bore yourself out of your skull
You talk about your claim but you overrate your fame
A year after you're gone, who'll remember your name?
I'm iconic, my piston-action swifter then Sonic, just ask your dame
What, you think I believe you have one? Sorry, I'm sane
Remedy your girth and misery with rigid excersize
Like my man Ali said 'If Ellis dreams he'll beat me, he'd better wake up and apologize!'
What up motherhumpers, I been watchin’ this fight
From inside three *****es I been grindin’ all night
Since you seem real dense, let me help you understand:
When you step on dis mic, you’re in Bellisland,
Where the national anthem gots bass like quicksand,
Melts the flesh off your bones like a naked Ayn Rand,
Shock ya heart like a fist through ya prostate gland,
Make ya wish KOS was still keepin’ ya banned,
You beat witches before, but my magic is cursed,
I’ll Avada Kevadra ya into a hearse
With my words that can flow like my dough so perverse,
You messed with the best? Now you’re one of the worst.
Battle 2: pika vs BBallEdit
Screw preparation I'm doing this right now,
from the streets of Halifax I'll be chillin' in the underground
These people try to test me,
takes all they got just to best me
I'm not really all that gangsta but I'm busting still some moves,
This upper middle class white chick's playin you all for fools
I'll be shooting some hoops with this BBallman7,
I'm practically a saint he aint getting into rap heaven
Your words rhymed, but something is missin see,
This is battle time, you're supposed to be dissin me;
I won't take this light, just cuz ur a girl who seems scared,
Cuz I'm for equal rights, and that just wouldn't be fair;
My rhymes are off the hook, I give it that extra pow,
You might be a better cook, but that doesn't help you now;
I could probably stop now, but I'll go that extra mile,
Just to show you what I'm about, and let you get to know my style.
I been doing this for too long, and your experience is lacking,
Once I turn that switch on, it don't matter who I'm attacking;
No one can beat me BBallman7, and no one can make him miss,
And **** going to heaven, cuz this gangsta is atheist.
Hey I know that your winning cause this is right up your alley,
but mess with me boy and I'll send ya to death valley
If you wanna insult my gender you best talk to my crew
I may be a girl but I still got more balls than you
I got mad rhymes here, some untapped potential
You don't believe me just look at my credentials
The extra mile ain't good enough you gotta go twenty
Lookin' at the spirit squad you get beat more than Kenny
You say you're a gangsta, well listen up dawg
I'll cook a piece of **** and it'll beat your rap song
Well that was much better, but you can't get in the way of my mission;
This match is still as pathetic as ever, it's just my expedition;
But it's not like it could have got much worse, then what you threw at me before,
You got to go first, and it blew it worse than a *****
Your crew's nonexistent, and your credentials are missin,
You're so full of *******, so get back to the kitchen,
I gotta do 20 miles today, you've proven nothin, what is this,
And you got balls you say, well that's somethin, but it's none of my business;
But I gotta admit, I gained some respect for you,
But your best bet is to quit, and hope that I don't think less of you;
Cuz your rhymes are legit, but you're only a joke,
Anyone can talk ****, but your only as real as Mr. OG Loc.
Your rhymes are slick I'll give you that,
but you could get beat by the sorting hat
Not even a barrol roll's deflecting my shots
beatin you down is just a part of my plot
Excuse me if I don't wanna join your expedition
my rhymes are so hot you'll be payin' for admission
You think you can go but your rhymes are bland
you better get ready cause this finale's going grand
You try to apologize well apologize for this
your probably still in diapers come back after your first kiss
I'll come out of the kitchen and fight you in the underground
i'm like Solid Snake and you're dead members of foxhound
This ain't right, I did better than you, I just got over hyped,
I'm being compared to my first stuff, but not that **** that you typed.
You had an advantage; how could you blow this?
Your flow is crooked, reminds me of scoliosis.
And your words make no sense, I'm not sure if I'm gettin dissed,
Apologize for wearin diapers? Should I take offense to this?
This ain't a battle, it's slaughter, I got you right where I want ya,
We both know that I'm better, you barely pass of as fodder.
Well this is it, and you can't even scream for help,
Because this is for real, and I'm here to redeem myself,
The messed up part of this "expedition", is that you can't rap for ****,
But you'll still get some recognition, just cuz you have some ****. (rhymes with bits)
Battle 3: Tweeek vs FJEdit
They call me the hippopotamus,
Not because I am the most lethal animal in Africa but because I am hideous!
The girls all look at me with disgust,
Staring at my face that looks like pizza with a thin crust.
But now let's discuss my nonexistent brain,
This rhyme sucks and is now about trains.
I have a lack of chums,
On the part that I reek of a cow dung.
My vocabulary is small,
Which makes my rhymes not very good.
Now what's with me attacking myself all about?
To give J a chance and not make it a shut out.
So you wanna play the insult yourself game?
My fanfiction is dumber than Snakes on a Plane.
I've been on board 8 for damn near 3 years
and am completely unrecognized, by most of my peers
My skin is so white that come halloween most...
anyone who sees me thinks I'm a ghost
I got a decent job, and alright grades
But compared to other kids my accomplishment fades
I've got no girlfriend, and very few homies
I feel like god, is starting to owe me
But there is one thing I'm confident about
And that's my rhyming skill, heheh no doubt!
Looks like we've started a gimmick in here,
But can't you see the result is already clear?
I'm a loser even below the geeks,
But my mom just tells me that I am unique.
I walk down the hall of the school with people calling me "troll",
But all my mind can comprehend is to "Do a barrel roll!"
My rapping abilities are definitely not up to par,
And eee jr. has a resemblance to a miniature crowbar.
I've been dissing myself to make this challenge harder to take on,
You should have seen my name and with no thought have withdrawn.
I'm eee from Canada, so you'd better recognize,
That this Canuck is going to make you start saying your goodbyes.
So it looks like Tweeek thinks he's a geek
But I'm such huge nerd I just make you not look weak
Instead of a social life I have a PS2
And when I get home I play Deus Ex 'til I turn blue
Detatched from reality, sated with depravity
I say GRAVIJA! instead of gravity
I dream about Star Wars, not about fast cars.
Not about girls, or pearls, or hopping bars.
You talk about your smell like it's so impressive
Compared to me you look like your compulsive and obsessive.
So you best step off, you mother Canucker!
Because I've got hygiene of an American trucker.
So it looks like it's time for our final showdown to begin,
And for me to emerge from this battle with a win.
I've been nothing but crap up until now,
It's time to show you my worst, even if you don't allow.
You think you are so fancy, with two rhymes on one line,
But that doesn't phase me, I'll just go fap to Amanda Bynes.
Now I've already mentioned my rapping is poor,
However, let me assure you it is lamer than the Iraq "War".
My words are from third grade and my structure is all wrong,
My rhymes don't make sense, I jump all over the place, oh wait this line is kind of long.
But even with my horrible tries,
I make your raps sound like you should be serving McD's french fries.
You're raps failed to show how much you were a loser
In the end you just looked like one big goober
But I saw through your weak rhymes and poor flow
To the mega-nerd you were trying to show
And let me tell you it was something amazing
With an intellect as active as a cow grazing
But in the end you failed to see
That your nerd-dom just fell short of me
I'm stupid, tactless, certainly no Magnum PI
I even have, on occasion, fapped to hentai
So as much as you try to succeed and not choke
You're not the loser master, you're a loser joke!
Well they voted us even, so they must not notice
That when it comes to not getting laid, I'm in the Oval Office
The King of Crap and the Duke of Dung
Compared to me, even the Asians are hung
Being mistaken for a hippo, that must really hurt
But even hippo girls turn me down, when I take off my shirt
My skin is so white I blind people with the glare
Not to mention all the %&$# crawling around in my hair
I've never bathed or showered and I won't start soon
I have the complexion of the creature from the Blue Lagoon
So go out curling or whatever it is you Canadians do
Because I get less action then Gaston's friend LeFou
So here I am, rapping on Canada D'Eh,
I'm switching things up and you're going to obey.
I'm done with self-bashing it's time to make you look great,
And easily take away, all of your self-hate.
You say you have a small wang, but I don't believe you,
I'm sure it's as big as an elephant's times two.
You're an amazing rapper, you're on a roll,
You make Bellis and Shake, look like tranny and Soul.
But let's not go through a tiebreaker again,
I don't need twelve lines, I can finish you in ten.
Battle 4: MYC vs ExThaEdit
My internet service tried to give me a loss
It shut itself off like a cybernetic albatross
But ExTha, don't you worry, I came right back for you
To let my rhymes tell the board about what is true
ExTha's like jello pudding, he's mushy and tasteless
His love for Sephiroth is like Lucid's passion for Ness
We call him Summoner Yuna as per his blog's name
Where he spouts poetry that puts Vogons to shame
He's obsessed with the Yankees and a lot of other teams
Though he only likes the ones who've had success, it seems
He's the worst kind of fanboy, generic as a fish
That swims in the water before being made into a dish
MakeYourChance, it's time to dance
I'll make you look worse than My Chemical Romance.
Put your palms together and pray with both hands,
Because I've got absolutely no remorse, man!
MYC, Mister tran-ny
tryin' to pass herself off as a girl named Gracie?
I don't think so, no, this is no go.
You're about as effeminate as furry Inviso.
Maybe it's true, you're a female and love it,
You still make me wanna hurl into a bucket.
So while you spend your time tryin' to tuck it,
I've got a bit of advice, it's two words, "SUCK IT!"
God my ears, what they hear, it's as if they're shedding tears
I may have been off, but compared to your sorry rear, I was far more near
It's a shame he's so lame, but who's to blame?
Nobody could force his tastes to be so inane.
But it pains me, please explain, what's going on in his brain
That could make him think Sephy isn't an ugly stain
On the name of his game, I prefer Selphie's trains
To his emo psycho babble, his evil being tame
But, being coy, maybe it's the emo part that Ex enjoys.
He may annoy, but he's really just a sad little boy
He mentions My Chemical Romance, as if they should die
But neglects to mention his punk ass is in love with AFI.
You can complain about my tastes all that you want,
Doesn't change that my skills are all that yours aren't.
What's the problem if my tastes I want to flaunt?
At least I don't wear "Gracie" as a false savant.
So forgive me if I seem a tad non-chalant,
I'm gonna make you explode, just like Oliphaunt!
Why do you try and pass these transsexual lies?
You're already a *****, who needs the disguise?
No one will buy the plan you've devised,
durango's the only one with whom your guise flies.
Are you starting to see why facing me is unwise?
You just made your best bet, and rolled a snake eyes.
ExTha complains right now, but he wasn't last night
When he begged me to bite, sayin he'd be Luca Blight
But no amount of pretending changes how he looks
Like an albino Urkel just hit with a phone book
He's filled with rage, stuck in a cage, crawling in his skin
Because even ugly trannies like me have to reject him
So turn the page, like Master Mage you're stuck with porn and smut
Because nobody wants to be with you if you don't shut the **** up
You'd be better off dead, no more thoughts in your head
Hang yourself from a bed, fill your brain full of lead
But do something quick, cause you're going nowhere
And noone wants to hear how you became the ***** of Bel Air
Time for the last act, no more suspense.
MYC, time for me to drop my two cents.
I can't let you continue on with this false pretense,
that I care about your ass, that doesn't even make sense!
It's time for me to finish you off, with no remorse,
This endeavor of yours is something you oughta divorce.
I'm coming at you now, hitting with full force.
Like Internet Warbot and his underaged intercourse.
Poor MYC, stuck with a phallus.
I'm gonna make you my slave, and change your name to Ralphus.
After this battle, you'll never be the same.
I don't want to hear from your ass E-E-EEEEVER A-GAIN!(pronounce as "gayn" >_>;)
Battle 5: tran vs SoulEdit
no offence my dear Soul, but you're gonna get trashed
your sorry ass is completely outclassed
you think you can beat me quoting DK rap?
I'd be embarassed to respond to that crap
but don't worry, I'm not saying this to be mean
you're a Canadian honky that listens to Queen
you'll be rapping about hockey, ending each line with eh
while everyone else just laughs in dismay
at least you're not talking past contest success
cause that'll just make everyone depressed
you told everyone Sonic would beat Mega Man
how'd that go? -- oh right, you got TEJELPAMMED
H-H-H-HERE WE GO!
So tranny man, you know what's lame?
This rap will suck, I have no game.
Interesting rhyme huh? You jealous yet?
Well prepare for this one, it's good I bet.
*INTERESTING GUITAR SOLO*
I had this rap, written in my head.
My memory sucks, I forgot what I said.
I'm making this up, right on the spot!
It's gonna be great, yo, it's gonna rock-ot!
SOUL! SOUL IS RAPPING!
SOUL! SOUL IS RAPPING AGAIN!
Tranny pants, won't know what hit him!
I'll finish this up, and eat a kitten!
Nah man, just kiddin, I'm not that playa.
As you can see man, DK > NINJA. HUH!
*Fade to black.*
what the bloody hell was that, mate?
that **** scared me more than eon8!
i've got no chance for a witty retort!
insulting your mother is my last resort!
your mom is crap! she's fat! she's got the clap!
she's been tapped by every cat on the board 8 map!
your mom is whack and is addicted to crack!
she lays on her back so she can get some smack!
it must suck to be you with all you've been through!
you oughta put that ***** in the zoo!
do you even have a clue how many people she's screwed?
if you did, you'd bid that crackwhore adieu!
Mom jokes are old man, they were never funny.
Prepare for this one, your nose will be runny.
I'm tired of DK, he's put down to rest.
Rapping for real now, I'll give it a test.
You remind me of Xu Zhu, fat and slow.
Your rhymes look ugly, just like Meng Huo.
I'll be the Gan Ning to your Ling Cao
Killed by pirates? Nah, just killed by WOW!
Amazed at my rap, or just shocked in awe
My skills are priceless, as you just saw.
I'm not going to be weak and diss your mom.
I will say though, that your sis is da bomb! WHAT?!
stupid soul, i don't have a sis!
that girl you kissed? it was sir chris!
but if you insist, give him a kiss!
i get the feeling he might get pissed!
but if you swing that way, i've got one that will consent
this sexy mother****er named explicit content
he was erect last time i checked
and i suspect he wouldn't object
you could probably use a little kinky man love
especially from someone who owns you like he does
all you have to do is ask him politely
and he'd be delighted to rape you nightly
Battle 6: Menji vs RX7Edit
Yo my name is Menji
It's more than Infiniti
You keep giving this the bump
When you should just wait
It looks like you're in a slump
'Cause now you're checking out my mate
But now don't worry cause I'm here
And no I don't drink beer
I keep it real
While I'm getting the steal
Now don't you see?
I'm still getting a Wii!
Yo Menji, it's on now, seems you're pallid and pale,
So it don't surprise me that your rhymes are crappy and stale.
I was worried 'bout this match, yeah, I'll have to admit,
But now I see your true face, and man it just seems like ****.
You got no meter, you see, and meter's what it's about,
Rappers gotta have flow, so lacking that, just get out.
You say I'm eyeing your mate? No, man, that ain't even fair,
I got so many *****es, you can't hope to compare.
This ain't even a challenge, I was hoping for fun,
But as it's going right now, you're just getting outdone.
So now we turn back to you, to see you try to attack,
And I'ma laugh at your ass, there ain't no way you'll come back.
Now what's this?
You fail at your dis
What? am I driving you bananas, apples and oranges?
ah.... damn, nothing rhymes with oranges,
to make it rhyme, I squeeze you into orange juice
it's flowing tighter than your undies
and your sisters' are mad loose
now I'm a sensible guy, I take her out for some fun
we joke about CP, LUESHI, and .999~=1
But when we're done, no I don't leave her
She takes me home, shows me your bro, dad and you;
Wally, Ward and the Beaver
Now Menji, come on, a comeback's out of the question,
You know you fail at rap when you take Turtle's suggestion.
Yeah, my sister's a babe, you know we've been over this,
And beauty runs in the family, man, that's hardly a diss.
But enough of this ****, you need to step up your game,
This round's rhyming and meter are simply more of the same.
I got no content to go on, cuz you have nothing to say,
Just like the work of Jean Baptiste Pierre Antoine de Monet.
And though that rhyme was a stretch, it's miles better than yours;
Cuz your ****'s cheaper than the crap in Macy's department stores.
I know that round one was better, and I'm an underachiever,
But I still tore your rhymes up; I'm leaving your ass to Beaver.
Now listen here, this isn't a rap battle
This is what a farmer sings to herd his cattle
You think this is over and your lyrics are platinum
Believe me, try and test them out and I'll flatten them
And your still here to see if I fail on #3
My rap's a disease, Ima give you the HIV
Your words aint fresh, they're stale like blue cheese
Don't try to battle me, I'm allergic to you, Ima sneeze
Now You're trapped, feeling the boundaries
Like a fish out of water you're floundering
You keep looking at the clock, counting the time
We're transforming to my rhymes just like Optimus Prime
So *****es liked your third rap? Well I must take the offense.
They say you're such a ****in' menace but your **** don't make sense.
You say practically nothing, and what seems to be worse
Is that your lines cannot unite to form a coherant verse.
You see, a good rap comes together in an essayic form,
But the **** you threw together just seems randomly torn.
And half your lines sound like they're from an AOL chat -
"I'm allergic to you"? Now what the **** was that?
You're dated - your rhymes are just a bit overrated
There's a ****in' reason your first two raps were hated.
So if there's two things you learned, it's that my rhymes are complex,
And that you better never ever try to **** with the Rex.
Battle 7: Sess vs DSREdit
Before this **** starts I gotta ask myself
Why I'm ****in round with the alt of LexaGnimalf?
Its obvious you're a kid, no older than three
!**** can't even say piss, I'm only hearin pee
!***in toddler thinks I'm ertyu, the local re****
Only explanation is Tornadoman gets ya hard
You think you got game, you got fame, puttin me to shame
Thats funny cuz Valdo said it was a minute and you came
You know your place, hella far from my sovereign space
!**** you can only hang with me if you've gotten to first base
Why can't you just die, guess we'll never know
But all that really matters is that you ain't got this flow
Your rhymin like that? Pssht, I bet you think your black
I gotta tell you Sess, the only thing your rhymes are is whack
You throwin off words like *****, ****, and ****
Well Sess, you can't do **** but get pushed in a pit
While your sittin there trying to muster together
some rhymes that will inflate your self absorbed ego a little better
You don't know who your facin, its a true threat
Not even Pokemon Over Pacman could save your bet
So go ahead and try to make up some rhymes
Because the only thing your gonna make me do is cry
Whenever you see me you just bash, bash, bash,
Find something better to do, you trailer trash.
Sorry, little fellow, I gotta save you for later
This is for those who fail at being haters
This isn't a church, kiddies, swearing is fine
WWJD ain't a philosophy of mine
Rad Link, buddy, your posts are cuter than cute
But sometimes you just gotta know when to hit mute
Now, as for you, me beloved DSRage
Your mommy wrote that rap, I'm willing to wage.
Tell her daddy's comin home, I'll be there at nine
I'm gonna screw her so hard, it'll tingle in her spine
I hope that you'll enjoy it as much as she will
Just desserts tonight, son, you're licken what I spill.
yo style is lame,
ain't got no game
Every attempt you make is just a shot at fame.
im a soldier I crumble ****** like cookies
this my 1st time flowin and it look like yall rookies
So your a lyrical mercenary
A soldier of heart
I'm a untamed gorilla
ready to rip you apart...
mash yo ass real fast and disappear in tha dark...
lyrical sluggs to yo chest, six feet deep... layed to rest...
laws have asked... I confess... for murdering you in this contest...
You tell me that your ready, ready for what?
Ready for your mouth to finally be shut?
It'd be the best move for your public relations
Cuz all of board 8 is bout to lose its patience
Ever since the contest run by Super Destroy
All that you been doin is tryin to annoy
Now with these raps you idiocy has climaxed
Only way to contain it is to make it an Imax
Sad thing is that no one would watch it
ertyu and durango are the only ones you could get
Speaking of ertyu, he told me this is true
DSRAGE ES DUM AND DANTE OWNS YOU
Yo! My style's more foul than anal penetration
Quick 2 get up in your ass, don't believe me? then here's a painful demonstration
I’m not proud of anyone that ain’t about what I’m about
Cause I’m about to slice you 8 different ways till guts fall out
Best absorb my words like they are vitamins & minerals
This game is a war, battle lines are drawn & the pawns become the generals
I make it hot when I compose flows like combustible chemicals
I'll blow the spot & have the whole industry by the genitals
I’ll get a vice-grip, grip on that **** & then begin 2 squeeze
Till I make 'em turn around & cough up the cheese
Your **** won’t spread, your not contagious
But your courages for spittin’ yo whack **** on these pages
Battle 8: Lasa vs CokesEdit
You suffer from stage fright, your phailure made my night
See how the laser strikes while you're drinking Kool Aid Light
May not be rough or bough but tough enough to make you cough
Martial artistic so I spit superb stuff
You may now leave the gate and be gone like Talkin Tate
'Cos my rhymes I contemplate, I meditate and concentrate
You hate on Eminem but you can't approach his "Stan"
A chain reaction caused by a paper and a pen
Furious and fast hit that is terribly drastic
You may think you're classic yet you're not Jurassic
Listen bud, I'm on a roll, step off the plateau
Fear my flow and low blow, Lasastrowned à tempo, yo
Now when it comes to makin rhymes, I'm like an aircraft carrier
Sendin jets at you in my lines, better believe that they Harrier
But it's worth my time, you got shot down by language barriers
You see that girl "Gracie"? You may as well marry her
You can't do much better -- or even less hairier
After the wedding, though, I don't expect you to carry her
Cuz as we've already seen, you can't carry a thing
Not even your best game were you able to bring
And what you did bring, good God was it flat
You know, you might want your Doc to check that
I didn't need to write this after what you just spat
In fact, since you're leaving, lemme get you your hat
An airplane? Yeah, like you're made by George Cayley
If you're trying to tail me I'll be pwning you daily
I be dope like Non Phixion, gimme styles and I'll mix 'em
Yes, I will marry Gracie, you can have Viper Vixen
While she's drinking her beer you will be sinking in fear
And thinking hard about me finishing you battle career
I don't need a doctor, but I know what your problem is
When I'm done with you, you'll want to see a psychologist
You're rightfully frightened that I'll win overnight
I will hand you your bow-tie, would you kindly leave the fight?
Hot stuff I be spitting, you're not helped by your ambition
Cos an awesomeness barrier might be your restriction
I'm no Cayley creation, I'm just over your head
Time you followed the French (they turned tail and fled)
Or maybe you should make like ol' Torpedo Ted
Blow your own ass up, then disappear
Cuz in case you didn't know, I'm also a seer
And I hate to tell you what you don't wanna hear
But you're the MC who's 'bout to end his career
As for the shrink, I've been seeing this guy
Cuz they think a sane man can't spit rhymes this fly
And that awesomeness barrier? Found and transcended it
Your time in this battle? I've all but ended it
Rapping's the new trend, and I'm the one setting it
You should take my MC class cos your rhymes are a mess
They went over my head - and out of your ass
I won't blow myself up cos I don't need kamikaze
You don't belong in the casa of the Pwning Plaza
I won't end my career, I'll get a record deal
Nintendo gives my hit single the quality seal
A guy thought Lil' Jon was the worst of these times
He said he stood corrected after hearing your rhymes
Rap's not a trend, man, it's been around for decades
The latest phase, my phrases amaze in def ways
The outcome of this battle? It is crystal clear
It's all here, sorry to say, but it is over, dear
I keep on tellin' you "Yo, practice ya English some more"
But to understand your raps, I still need a Ouija board
Where you from again? I can never seem to remember
I come to visit, gotta be like Wyclef - gone til November
Oh right the Netherlands, you call yourselves the Dutch
Where the ****'d they get that? Not that it matters much
Meanwhile you're standin' there in your silly wooden shoes
Tryin to count how many MCs I've slain
I'm wielding katanas, slicin ya ass in two
Then you realize: I'm the best since Big Daddy Kane
Lasastryke, stick to listenin', leave the rhymin to me
When it comes to the rap game, you're just a damn NPC
Battle 9: zack vs WarEdit
So, I'll go first, and this is cool
Your name is War and your a fool
Wars kill, but you couln't hurt a fly
If a baby punched you, you might die
Lets see you be anything close to a war
You can't, you suck and there's nothing more
But I'm Zackattack, and I think I'll be the winner
I've never heard of a war that was done before dinner
The only fool I see here is you,
You make an assumption then think you're coo'.
War's my initials you false rap fighter,
cuz you're about to be whipped by WILLIAM ANDREW RITER!
But one thing's true, for you shall see.
This battle won't last as long as it should be.
For you see, your rhyme is a bore,
Wackattack just can't contend with War one three on oh four!
Well, you think you're great, but I'd like to see more
Initials for your username! Is this grade four?
You say you'll whip me, where's your whip Indiana?
You act really tough, you couldn't bruise a banana!
You see, I'm on fire, you really can't stop me kid.
Your mouth probably should have came with a lid.
Because nobody wants to hear what you say.
I will beat you tomorrow, just like I have today.
By The way, I really liked your amazing jokes.
Especially the "Wackattack" you stole from Cokes!
Sheesh man, are these raps on a whim,
'cause none of those lines had any rhythm!
Grade four, you say? 'Cause that really hurt,
since the name zackattack screams Underage User Alert!
All you've done is spew lies and moans,
Trying to protect yourself using Eminem's line loans!
When it comes to jokes, I've got plenty,
but I've see "you" to start what, seven lines out of twenty?
From a user I expected so much greater,
then the same old words used now and later!
You claim to be on fire, sorry to burst your bubble.
You've failed, phony legend so prepare for trouble!
Now your rap's the definition of irony
You dis my rhythm but you have bad rhymes, you see
You say you're better, well that's a knee slapper
A battle's no place for a candy bar wrapper
You tell me to prepare, there's no trouble I see
I may start my lines with "you" but it gives me glee
Because its not how you finish, its about how you end
Well here goes the message that I will send.
Stop rapping right now, you should cease and desist
If you keep on rapping, your chance will be missed.
To do something better, because this loss will be foul.
And if you do want to stay, prepare your crying towel.
Your pathetic rap is nothing but fiction,
'cause I see a painful contradiction
Finish and end, they mean the same,
apparently you don't play either game.
Remember I told you to prepare for trouble?
With your horrid words you should make it double!
Protectin' Board 8 from your rap abomination,
Uniting the peeps with my sensation.
Denouncing you, while offering my allies love,
Extendin' my lyrics to the icons above.
I've been outrapping you day and night,
Surrender now, for you've lost this fight!
Battle 10: DC vs TomEdit
It's the return of the K-I-N-G, that's me.
DC, one and only. Go on, test me.
Let's see, Tom Bombadil. Easy kill.
Blood I spill with lines I rhyme with incredible skill.
IT'S AWN NAO, dawg!!! I spit fire like a lighter.
And when the **** let off you better 'dodge' like a 'viper'.
Or your ass'll get 'rained on' like 'windshield wipers'.
Bet you like to ride dirty, '****' on like 'baby diapers'.
You can't mess with me, I'm the best you see.
I think it's best you flee, before it gets ugly.
It's just too easy, I'm the lord of this ring.
And I'm a sixteen seed in this rap battle thing!
RAP BATTLE! OLIOLIOOOOO
You betta believe, you can't handle my tightness
Now sit yourself back, and WITNESS THE WHITENESS.
Well, mista King, you ain't got no Queen
Freddie M won't save you, you'll get caught between
The bite and flow of my lyrical powers
Save us the time- go ahead and hit the showers
The lord of the ring? Don't make me laugh!
I'll take you down on Tolkien's behalf!
Your eyes are dilated? Better to see
That I'm gonna take you down, it's my destiny!
Man, is that all you got? I can do this all day.
Your rhymes ain't **** and can't touch my wordplay.
Double spaces in your verse cause it don't flow together.
Your "lyrical powers" makes mine look so much better.
Just give it up, Tom. You ain't got **** on this, yo.
I'm smack you up side the head with this lyrical pistol.
My style is lethal, your **** is preschool.
Your next verse better be something that can go with a beat, f00l.
I'ma just sit back while your ass is death-bound.
You say it's your destiny to take DC down?
I'm the supreme being when it comes to this ****, clown!
You have NO chance to advance to the next round!
You’ve got all the street cred of SDR
Wanna go through me? Well you won’t go far
My stuff really rhymes, unlike pistol and yo
So just sit and learn from the Tombolo
Your words make sense, like an ertyu rant
Try to one-up me? You’ll find that you can’t
If yours is DC, then mine’s California
Don’t be cryin’ now, cuz I tried to warn ya
Nobody can touch the big, bad TB
Ain’t nobody alive that can stand up to me
Ya don’t stand a chance, you unfortunate fellow
Bright blue my jacket is, and my boots are yellow
VICTORY IS MINE, quote Stewie from Family Guy
Your ass is way behind. It's over, say goodbye!
Buh-bye to the competition, your rhymes I won't be missin'.
Dude is trippin' if he still thinks he has a shot at winnin', listen.
I'm droppin' hot verses like burnin' bibles in churches.
Wakin' up the damn like a revival of curses.
Your style is worthless! You throwin' fractured blows.
Your ass is 'bout as real as Michael Jackson's nose.
Mr. Tom-bo-lo, you have no flow - at all.
I stand tall, and your ass is about to fall.
Off the stage, off this page. Into the losers pit.
Try and climb up. I'll throw a fist and make your lip split, *****!
Think you can Starcraft me, take me on and live?
Way things are goin’, iss more like Zelda/Civ
I’m serving up pure ownage through your internet browser,
I’m spitting balls of lyrical fire, like King Bowser
Ya gonna hit the flo’, like Glass Joe, you don’t know
That the Tombolo, is gonna steal the show
Ya gotta better chance escaping from the R.K.O.
So just turn right around, and walk out that do’
Just thirty-six lines to put you back in your place
Ya mighta thought you were hot, but you couldn’t keep pace
Think you got the stuff? Think your rhymes were vicious?
Ya got it all wrong, man, I’m Bololicious.
Battle 11: TCA vs SEPEdit
See, last night I was driving my car, heading for a bar
Or was it for brothel or a cousin? (man I don't know)
When I stopped my engine; some bird slammed right into my window!
I stepped out my vehicle and gazed around at the ground
Was that a falcon? No man, it was a pigeon!
See then, my man, I was reminded of you
And the pain that you're due
Listen up carefully and let me give you a clue
Pigeon I'm impossible to outdo, At this art of rapping
So go back home before I give you a spanking
There's a major problem here if that's all you can give
I've seen better bustin' on channel five, One Life to Live
I'm not sayin' that a soap opera is more hardcore, man
But if that's your best shot, find Alucard for a new plan
You didn't even phase me, taze me, that was lazy
Got me wonderin' now, were yo' parents drunk or crazy
It took you quite a while to come up with those rhymes
While you were doin' that, I wangstabated thirteen times
The only spankin' here will be with you over my knee
This is my house, boy, and you ain't got another key
I'm whiter than Vanilla Ice, yet still layin' it on you
The Pigeon totally owning this lamer? Now das coo!
Battle 12: Wigs vs ChrisEdit
Well, I ain’t chillin’ with no cliched beginnin’s
But as my beat goes on, ‘spect your winnin’ to be slimmin’
So over there in England they may call guys “Sir”
But we’re in North America, so you’re just a pos-eur.
Ya think ya got high rankin’, you think you’re a paladin.
But you only got that way by wishin’ it, like Al-add-in.
Well, you ain’t got no genie, *****. This ain’t no Disney tale.
Robin Williams would kick your ass, boy, and so could Chip N’ Dale.
Chief of board 8? LULL to you, you self-appointing, disappointing cop.
The real deal can beat you down ***** and make Chris-kebab on a mop.
So, Mr. Nice Guy is gone, C; off come the gloves and on comes the toupee...
Right here, right now, it’s all Wigs, baby, and he’s here to own your boo-tay… heyHEY!
Where to begin, all of your disses have me saying “huh?”
Well first of all dumbass I am from florida
Secondly bringing in disney is cool, cause your like scar who called simba a wussy
You talk real big but at the end of the day you’re just a giant *****
This guy wants to bring up mops and cops?
This is where the offense begins and the defense stops
WiggumFan idolizes a useless cop
Mention Sonic and you might as well grab a mop
He goes around thinking he is cool
Kids he is a prime example of why you stay in school
You need psyche meds if you think you are the real deal
Before this battle is over I am going to make you kneel
Well, let me tell you Chris, what I think about Floridians.
They make Pauly Shores look like Lando Calrissians.
When it comes to Prophet Challenge, you’re the one who should be kneeled;
Cuz Chrissy strikes out more than those guys at Wrigley Field.
And while my picks o’er here are hittin’ homers like a Met,
You’ll be cryin’ n’ losin’ yo’ account to yo-blazer on a bet.
But you cover up your lies with the theme of the Empire,
When all o’ Board 8 knows they’d be safer trustin’ a gem buyer.
So, I’m gonna show you how it’s done; cuz I’m the real prophet;
I’ll be the one looking down on you, while you struggle with your Bop-It.
So, until your rappin’ improves, I’ll lock you in a closet with a latch,
But that’s not gonna happen ‘til Gordon Freeman wins a match.
Man **** this crap.
Time to flame instead of rap
I am a bastard and my name is Sir Chris
If you were on fire I wouldn't take a piss
You are the poser talking about being “nice”
Your raps are Mr. Rogers Meet Vanilla Ice
You rag on the cubs but root for the knicks
Your insults I declare nix
Wiggumfan you can go to hell
Your fantasy of winning this has begun to be quelled
Here we go rapper to flamer a clean switch
The mic is yours, you stupid ****ing *****
Well, your rap is really borin’ me, your insults are so generic.
You think mentioning Vanilla Ice is cool? No way, it’s pathetic.
If I were you…(don’t make me laugh), I’d stay off this turf,
Cuz you sound like a whiny fanboy. Damn, you’re even worse than Smurf
You think you can boast your skills with common and baseless flamin’?
Well, I’m gonna hit you where it hurts Chris; I’ll K.O. you in yo’ gamin’.
In Mario, yer stuck at Yoshi’s House; Green Hill Zone- you run out of time,
In Kay Aiche Two, you can’t find that Mouse; DQ5- you’re killed by slime.
The only game that you can play is called “I Can Jack to Porn”
Your gaming skills are overrated, like the opinions of Zachnorn.
You rip games’ circuts out, when the Captain wants no more Zigs.
Face it Chris, you fail at life, *****, cuz you can’t even win Big Rigs.
Aw look at wiggum getting all hardcore, here have a david wright plushie
Let’s get on with this show before that wiggum starts getting mushy
You think you going to be massin’ carriers when I kekekeke zergling rush
In talent and wit you are Lechuck to my Guybrush
While you are sitting around whacking it to sonic, applying that “special” ointment
I am going to be opening my package of Planescape: Torment
When you played Kirby you couldn’t get him to suck or blow
In Pokemon you never figured out what pokemon evolved into Slowbro
You shouldn’t be talking smack about my skills in Dragon Quest
In the first one trying to get down the stairs got you stressed
Your offbeat raps and random insults, who do you think you are, Cosmo Kramer?
This rap is undeniable proof that I totally own you, lamer
Battle 13: Tombs vs CC007Edit
Yo Crazy, i'ma 'bout to pull your heart out your chest
You ain't a 'Count' like Dracula boy you're garbage at best
I'm darker than death, rippin' off your arms and your legs,
Stickin' your body on a spike and throwin' darts at your head
I'm calm and collect, when i execute my rhymes,
While you're starting to regret having ever looked me in the eye
Don't get me started yet, you don't know what this kid can do,
I'm iller than aids virus and three times sicker than the flu
So you candy shop rappers better prepare for disaster,
This is Doctor Tombs, stepping out of the Tardis
Get a heavy dosage of medicine when meddlin' with a master,
Leave you regretting every second while headin' straight for a pharmacist.
I'm the King of Evil - more bad than a slave trader
When I'm done wit you, you'll scream "no" like Darth Vader
You say you're poison? I'm the one that makes people sick!
I'll just suck out yo' blood like an American dog tick
Your rhymes are stale - I think you need to retire!
You should throw the white flag and call for a ceasefire
I'll cut off yo' limbs just to give me somethin' to laugh at
Then I'll deliver a fatality like they do Mortal Kombat
By the way, EC, Tombs ain't gonna dominate
His name is fitting 'cuz I'm about to desecrate
I'm surprised he showed up, my foes have a high absentee rate
'Cuz I get in their head and put them in a poor psychological state
King of Evil? That's sweet, but stick to Dungeons & Dragons,
I'm the King of Causing Your Ass Some Troublesome Damage
Before you try and front a challenge, you should say 'please' first,
Because your raps are more clichè than guevara t-shirts
You ain't on par with me, my words are smart and huddled-tight,
With more character-per-line than ASC-double-i
So here's some advice, that i suggest you better learn,
Move your chair 10 feet from the desk and never return!
With every word i spit, i disturb and pillage,
It's only right that i rock the mic with a dirty grimace
I'll burn you to a crisp with a surge of electric discharge,
You're worthless to me i'm leaving even your prosthetic limbs scarred!
These rhymes are terrible that you create
You're more of a dud than eon8
"Dragons" and "damage" doesn't even rhyme
I guess you're gonna have to wait 'till next time
This is a bigger blowout than Zelda/Civilization
When I'm done you'll need cardiopulmonary resuscitation
Your "rhymes" should be locked up in eternal damnation
'Cuz your approval rating is lower than the Bush administration
You see, this battle was over before it begun
I'll just chew you up like a cinnamon bun
You think that you can beat me and just zoom along?
Well in the words of Lex Luthor: WROOOOOONNG!
Your flow is laughable, and your punchlines? second-rate
Once i've set the record straight you'll be knockin' on heaven's gate,
I'm leavin' craters in your cranium, just to demonstrate your failure,
Sellin' your brains on the black market to a sadist in Romania
This style's hotter than the equator, unstoppable, off the metre,
Deeper than bass speakers and insoluble like ether
Morbid, got the the grim reaper laughin' at your weakness
'Coz you're more short-lived, than a harlequin fetus!
I'm parting the seas kid, and distorting your wavelength
In the garden of eden, you'd get tossed in a snake-pit
It's the mark of the beast, and the war of the ancients
Got you gasping and speechless, like your jaw was dislocated
Your rhymes have been the same ever since we began
Infact, they remind me of the faces of Lindsay Lohan
Your rhymes are really bad. You're really just fad
While I'm tha king of tha mic you're just a chump on a mouse pad
This is gettin' really old, looks like you need a replacement
Perhaps someone who doesn't live in their mom's basement?
Your rhymes are incoherent, you're a comprehension evader
They make as much sense as Shakespeare to a first grader
Well, it looks like this is the end - the last call for alcohol
It's time for me to beat you once and for all
Because facing me is as dangerous as inhaling toxic fumes
Now, I'd like everyone to give a hand for me and my homie Tombs
Battle 14: Aeon vs E5150Edit
Make way for the remarkable rap rumble host
With the freshest funky flow that a man can boast!
Double A's up on the mic like jam on toast
For a very special E Five-One-Five-Oh roast
You'll find among the most fundamental of truths
The verdict of this match -- you get nothing. You lose.
I've never heard your rhymes but I assume they be whack
The awkward words of yo' defense will become my next attack
Every second every day they tell me "U Rappin' COOL"
Yes, I reckon Double A about to take you to school
Since until the other day I'd never seen you before
I'll stop lest I get cliché.
(PS - your mother's a whore)
Aight its time to battle, be prepared to lose
Thinkin you can beat me? Yo lay off the booze
somethings ****ed in your mind yo your not thinkin straight
Ive got the sickest rhymes and flow on all of Board 8
Yo you got no support like a leg with out a shin
Hows to feel to know your own contest you can't even win
Yo say 12 bars max well I can spit many more
Beat you so bad won't have faith in yourself any more
Steppin to me in a battle? Ha don't make me laugh
I got a list of cats I beat longer then the neck of a giaraffe
Imma win this for sure yo its no contest
Rhymes so sick they'll send you into cardiac arrest
Critics say "lay off the booze," when I'm soused I still hush 'em
Like Soda Popinski you're the watered-down Russian
Like a po' broke ho you ain't got no Bols
I'm bout ta smoke you harder than the joints that I rolls
You're in luck, on the grounds that in your desert of suck
My skillz are the oasis that'll give ya hydration
Step off and watch my rhymes ruminate your ruminations
Welcome to my nation, Aeon's administration
Rations out the kickass raps fo' the duration
So you best start respectin' your betters soon son
Double A drops the beat like the old school done.
Aight you know what stop calling your self the double A
I eat your punchlines like a fat guy at a buffet
Truth be told this whole contest is a joke
and if it came down to rippin the mic yo I know you'd choke
Because your just a guy with a keyboard, has to rap behind a screen
flows as weak as yours is something that I've never seen
and I rip cats like you on a daily basis
and whats all that talk about a ****ing oasis
Why you used a line like that I'll never know
your pathetic like a guy who sucks **** for some blow
In a freestyle contest you might beat me out
Guess what -- that's not what my competition's about!
It's about the lyrics, and I see that you wrote 'em
With all the grace and the talent of yo dirty scrotum
At my worst I'm twelve times the skill that you're at
But ya can't touch me so you attack the format
There's a door to poor raps and you're the doormat
Every dis that I drop's gonna make you more fat
Every taunt is a haunch of a rarefied meat
Tonight's the Double A special, it's all-you-can-eat
Step away from my buffet, you'll find it much safer
You look like you'll explode after one thin wafer.
I need not use any concentration to rule a whole rapping nation
and none of your retaliation could come close to taking over my location
My raps have undergone a modification, some would even call it a transformation
It's because i'm tired of this assimilation, so they have become an extermination
your gonna be a victim of strangulation, your blood will become my decoration
When it comes to spitting I have no limitation, and beating you is only my first destination.
I just came to a relization, your a fruitcake, straight up, not an insinuation
It must be little boys that give you temptation, you don't even use lubrication
Your rap skill are an abomination, if you were on the radio I wouldn't hestitate to change the station
your lines sounds like you have constipation, the rapping gods want an explanation
I'm like Zelda, your like civilization. this was no match, it was an asassination
I came in here with a great expectation, I now see your best skill is masturbation
Battle 15: DNEA vs WVIEdit
My client, Mr. Do not even ask, has been charged for a heinous crime. A first degree count of just being plain uncool. I have chosen to defend him for I believe otherwise. My name is...
Bullwinkle J. Moose. Attorney at Law.
Judge: Alright, le'see 'ere... we have a case of being not cool. Defendant, how do you plead?
DNEA: Not guilty, yo!
Judge: Right... Anyway, the usual punishment for this crime is... listening to DSRage rap... Ah, capital punishment, God bless America. Um, anyway, will the defense please make their opening statement?
BJM: Gladly your honour. *Ahem*
Ladies and gentlemen and MYC of the court,
It does seem that our justice system has fallen quite short
We have sentenced an innocent man of a crime he didn't commit
I find this matter as humorous as that comic called Zits
But you see my friends and prosecuting dragon
I do suggest that you don't try and hop the bandwagon
Because such a thing would be trite and unright,
When a man like this has done nothing for his life except fight
For that great and simple right to see Pauly Shore
Doing a dramatic commentary on the game called Spore
So, to put this simply and for you all to understand
We must justify why we live in this great and prosperous land!
Judge: Uh... what? Whatever, prosecution, your statement?
Judge: WVI, that rap was too many lines. I'm afraid I have to pay you a penalty.
WVI: I accept.
Judge: Y...You do?
WVI: With open arms.
Judge: Wow! What a great, upstanding lawyer! I'm totally in his favor now!
DNEA: WTF NO
Judge: Still, none of this makes any goddamned sense. I mean, you're goddamned suing someone for being "uncool"? And goddamned Bullwinkle is the defense attorney? And WVI being the prosecutor is obviously to put him in an antagonistic light!
WVI: [Oh, crap, I'm losing him!] Wait, Your Honor! There's another piece of evidence I must show you...
Judge: Go ahead.
WVI: If I may say, DNEA,
Today is simply not your day.
Look what I've found, and you will know
That this man is guilty, he must go!
This video recording will clearly show
That he is still guilty...as we all know.
See this nonsense!? Look how he shrieks
As he is simply no good with Sheik.
He can't play the game with Sheik!?
She's a good character, why's he so weak!?
I doubt he can beat the Lv. 3s.
He also has trouble digesting peas, hey! >_>
Judge: Okay, fine! I admit it!
Judge: I can't keep this up! You must all know who I really am...*pulls off mask to reveal Aeon Azuran*
AA: Well, if there's nothing further, then I declare the defendant...
BJM: HOLD IT!
WVI: COUNTER-HOLD IT!
WVI: ... what?
BJM: Uh, anyway, I have a witness! Not only will she prove that DNEA is innocent, but that Mr. Vee is trying to frame him!
Crowd: "*gasp*" "*murmur*" "YOUR MOM goes to college!"
BJM: Your honour, I call Ms. Ryokles.
Ryokles: lol internet
AA: *sigh* Fine, whatever. Question the witness. >_>
BJM: Now Miss Ryokles, as you can see,
The fate of this man should not lie in the hands of WeeVee,
But of your truthful testimony of what you saw
May show the world how great it is to abide by the law.
Now, what were you doing on that fateful day?
Ryokles: I was just walking along hoping nothing would get in my way.
BJM: And what happened next, if anything, I must ask?
Ryokles: WeeVee popped out, and screamed "In my glory, you must bask!"
BJM: More frightening words, I have never heard before!
Please - continue - I do implore!
Ryokles: He then continued saying "I've framed that silly fool, hey!
I dressed up as him and failed at Super Smash Bros: Melee!"
Crowd: "*gasp*" "*murmur*" "My balls itch."
WVI: WTF NO!
AA: What's that?
WVI: Er, I mean, ha! She... um... she... Can I have a quick... fiv- no, ten minute break?
AA: Sure. Hell, you can even have a 24 hour break!
DNEA: WTF ;_;
WVI: Your Honor, during my break, I have learned of a few surprising details related to this case...
AA: Enlighten us all.
WVI: Well, for one, this Phoenix Wright-style court scene is getting boring. An extra bit of pirate theme must be added to keep people interested.
AA: Arrrr. Granted. What else has ye found out?
WVIbeard: You think you've gotten this all figured out?
It's time to eliminate any trace of doubt.
I'll sink your ship and plunder your treasure;
Against my knowledge, yours just doesn't measure.
You see this witness, says she's Ryoko?
Avast, behold! She's just Whoreatio!
Behind this mask is shown the truth,
And you'll see I have the skills of a sleuth!
How dare you try to cover your shame
By misleading judges and misplacing blame!?
You won't get away with this.
You tried to swing, and here's the miss.
Captain DNEA: Oh, no, First Mate Bullwinkle! What are we going to do?
Capt. DNEA: Arr... we're doomed. WVIbeard we'll makes us walk the plank!
BJM: Uh... what the hell is going on?
Capt. DNEA: Curse the barnacles of WVIbeard vessel, my first mate has caught scurvy! What'll I do now?
BJM: You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home! *leaves*
WVIbeard: Yar har har! Hand over ye booty and I might spare ye!
Capt. DNEA: Never! I promised my mother that I'd succumb to sodomy!
Capt. DNEA: WVIbeard, ye 'ave left me wit' no choice! Prepare for my ultimate weapon! *Pulls out a mug of rum and places it on the floor*
PoG: ... 'id someone call me? O.x
Capt. DNEA: Arr... I did! Rap for me against the dread pirate WVIbeard and ye can 'ave all the rum in the world!
... er, I mean "O.X". Yes, yar...
Capt. DNEA: Well, get rappin'!
PoG: Ye think ye got it made, getting loli, getting laid?
Yar! Don't make me laugh, ye never even staged a raid!
Drinkin' rum is what I do, and, yar, something else involvin' ass.
Ye drink rum and look at this: ye dressed up like a lass!
Avast, ye silly landlubber, ye 'avent got a chance!
Ye never beat the Kirby games - Waddle Dee put you in a trance!
An' speakin' of bein' in trance, ye filthy scurvy dog,
When asked to ensue a healthy life and take a lovely a jog
Ye wet ye pants and ran off screaming "I'm goin' to look at a little girl's snatch!"
It's over for ye, dread pirate WVIbeard, ye finally met yer match,
Ye 'ave no hope of reboundin' and none of gettin' any mercy from me,
So I suggest ye give up now and save up for the new Nintendo Wii!
AA: Ugh! I hide it anymore!
WVI: WTF NO
AA: I've been rigging this contest in favor of WVI because we had wild hot sex last night!
PoG: -sniff- Arr... ye not be the FFX eater! -pulls off AA's mask-
WVI: Dammit Gary Coleman!
GC: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis!?
DNEA: I knew it all along!
WVIbeard: Well, that didn't go over so well. But just look at you, having to get other people to rap for you! It...actually seems like a pretty good idea. But I've got no friends to help me with that, so..."Let this be our final battle!" God, I never get sick of saying that.
Capt. DNEA: I accept your challenge!
WVIbeard: Draw your weapon...
Capt. DNEA: I already did.
WVIbeard: Oh. Well, give me some time to draw mine.
Capt. DNEA: Sure.
WVIbeard: Hold on, it's stuck. Sorry.
Capt. DNEA: That's okay, I got all day.
WVIbeard: Ahah! Here we--No, wait. Ah! There!
Capt. DNEA: You can't fight me forever. | WVI: I'm a patient man.
WVI: My blade is long and thick, I don't need to use my hand.
Capt. DNEA: Low blow. | WVI: I know. But we both know it's true.
Capt. DNEA: How is that? | WVI: Under this hat: A camera and film, too.
WVI: A video of you fapping, I've got it all right here.
I'll show the world when I've won and totally kick your rear.
Capt. DNEA: So what if I fap? Just look at your lap!
You've made your habits quite well-known.
WVI: Silly you. That is true.
But this shows you fapping over Frank Stallone.
Capt. DNEA: Burn that tape! Throw it in a pit!
WVI: Maybe when you're dead, I'll think about it.
ZOMG WHO WINS THE SWORD BATTLE FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF DRAGONBALL Z
Battle 16: Tweeek vs MYCEdit
So here I am rapping against MYC,
She's perfect and there is no way you can disagree.
One of the most popular users on 8 by far,
She can plow through any contest like a freight car.
Her Scrabble skills are just too intense,
And her opponents get no chance to put up a defence.
Her beauty is worth more than gold,
And nothing she says is ever OLD'D!
There are disbelievers that think MYC is fake,
But once she is done that is their first and last mistake.
So where is my self bashing gimmick of the last round?
It wouldn't work because MYC is too hard to take down.
I guess eee thinks that by not giving me ****
I'll be nice in return and not make him my *****
Sorry, eee, but your pleas my empty soul won't heed
I hope you've made your time, because I'm gonna proceed
I see your plan, you mock yourself and commend me
Well, **** playing nice, I'll add to your party
When I'm done with you, J will look like Super Neo Tannah'
But hey, at least he makes a better Aeris than Alanna
You're a Canadian dumbass with a single gimmick
Your three es are stupid, even if they're patronymic
I don't know much about you, except you suck at retorts
Are you sure that your parents didn't try to abort?
Don't worry babe, I know you were only playing,
Maybe you didn't really hear what I was saying.
Your rhymes had the possibility of making my feelings hurt,
But I know that you are as tame as Ernie and Bert.
I have a feeling you aren't really mean,
You are as elegant as England's Queen.
Now what's with bringing my nationality in?
You are bashing yourself, for Canada is America's twin.
However, babe, I know that's not what you meant to do,
Don't think about it, let's go to my room, just me and you.
I know by the end I'll win you over, my sweet,
And then we can get real close, and eee jr. will give you a nice treat.
Well I'd give eee jr. a little welcoming kiss,
But I'm afraid even with binoculars I'd up and miss.
I'm looking real hard to find your good traits
Because with a dick like that, you've got to compensate
Well, I know you can't spell, and your humor is low
And forget rapping, you've got no rhythm or flow
You look like your mom was getting banged by a mule
And your mind? I doubt you're even out of grade school
You keep saying nice things, neglecting all burns
I wish I could give you compliments back in return
But no matter how hard I look, I keep getting saddened
You got beat worse by life than Mario beat Madden
Alright pumpkin, now you're just being cruel,
Don't make me show you the back of my hand to end this duel.
Nah, I'm just kidding with ya babe, I wouldn't do that,
However, you have been acting like those losing GTA brats.
After this rap Jr.'s services I know will not be refused,
And what we'll do is considered on these boards to be taboo.
Remember, it's not the size of my bait that counts,
It's how I wiggle my worm that you should take into account.
So after this you have one rap to go,
Then finally you can take me into the back and give me a blow.
Have no worries, beautiful, I'll take it slow,
I'll give you more orgasms than the number of alts of cro_.
Well it seems this is almost over, you can make your escape
Though this wasn't so much a rap battle as it was a rape
You call me pumpkin, but you're the one with the seed
Though I hope you have enough sense to not breed
You call me beautiful, and with that I must agree
But compared to you, Brian Peppers looks sexy
You say it's not size that counts, I'm not so sure
But if your bait isn't any good you just need a good lure
One hundred bucks might be nice, try borrowing from your mom
I'm sure she'll understand, since you got stood up at prom
If you want me, come and get me, I'll give you your due
But just remember I'm a chick with a bigger dick than you
Battle 17: pika vs EdEdit
Well I guess I'm going first so I better get started
your ass is open sea and it's about to get charted
You think that rhyme was hot, I've got a hundred thousand more
step into my arena only if you're ready for war
I'm like a sign and it's tellin' you to go the other way
your life is mine if you think that now I'm just gonna play
I lay it down from my gown and you ain't nothing but a clown
You better listen if you step into my sea you're gonna drown
Challenge me 'cause I'm a she?
You gonna wish that you hadn't
i'll beat you down bad just like Mario stomped Madden
You think you're so hot but you can't beat THIS girl gamer
people call me Seifer 'cause I totally own you lamer.
Pika pika, lil’ chica, welcome to tha machine
Since ya new, what I’ma do is walk ya through tha routine:
Here’s the part where ya start but you lose all ya flow
As ya go. Don’t cha know that ya tempo is slow?
My faux foe gots ta go – if that’s all ya can show me
Then I guess y’all don’t know me, cuz quite frankly, my homey,
This match is beneath me, so beseech me to stop it
Impeach me to drop it, just preach me to swap it
Wit’ someone who’ll top it, not you. You’ll just flop it,
While I Lara Croft it, you’re hard-pressed to Chop Chop it.
Though ya vision is keen, ya just don’t get the scene:
I deposed of tha king, now it’s time fo’ tha queen.
Alright Ed I'll admit that your rhyme had some flow
You're a pro, you can throw, now I see if you know
I'm a one time rapper, but you're just a fake
my rhymes have more heart than a 10 dollar steak
This is just like Jill vs. Kirby, and you're all outta luck
I'm the only girl see, but you're the one who sucks
You just stepped into my ring
I've made this thing my own
and I'll beseech you to stop it
Cause your just an Eminem clone
I don't care about your skills cause i'm not afraid of you
I'm chilling free on these streets, and you belong in a zoo
Quote my homie Gandalf: Fake rappers shall not pass, dig?
Girl, y’all ain’t from the ghetto, y’all from Nova Scotia –
But I’ma hunt y’all so bad it’ll look like Genosha,
I’m a Sentinel, see, and rap’s my ambrosia –
Since ya don’t seem ta get me, looks like I’ll just show ya.
Marshall Mathers got shattered by me in a fight
Broke his nose with my flows and my rhythms so tight
Worked my magic so tragic on Gandalf the White
That wizard got scissored like Magus smoked Blight
I spit on all comers, regardless of gender
But right now ya mail, cuz I’ll return ya to sender
Ya rhymes sound like slimes all blurred in a blender
Honor ya Frenchness – give in and surrender.
Ed you're slowin' down, you know that I ain't french
and who cares about the ghetto, I'm rapping from my trench
It's a battlefield here and I'm fightin' yo rap army
It'd take a hundred of your rhymes just to stop me
I'm so resilient you can't touch this
I'll send you six feet below
this ain't no time to remiss
I'll fry up yo rhymes, take a bite outta your flow
When I'm done with you boy you'll be yellin' mayday
just like Fit Finlay I'll beat you with my shillelagh
This is my last stand boy, and I'm going grand
if CjayC was the judge you're ass'd get banned
You call that an army? Girl, this is a slaughter
I’ll foreclose on ya beats just like old Mr. Potter
Y’all barely got D’s at the rap alma mater –
I got summa cum laude. Queen Latifah? I taught her!
She clicked on ya raps and said "Homes, y’all done shot her!"
And I’m warmin’ up – now they bout to get hotter.
If this is your last stand, then y’all just like Custer
I done axed ya harder than EC and Luster
Ya need 16 lines as a free handicap
But I’d only need eight just to cover the gap
Did I beat ya too hard? Let me draw ya a map –
There’s your house. Come back when ya learn how to rap.
Battle 18: RX7 vs CokesEdit
And up steps Sir Cokes, tryin' for the next round,
But he simply cannot get his talent off of the ground.
This kid plays frisbee all day and surfs on GFAQs (gee-fax) by night,
And can't come back from the rhymes I'm about to ignite.
So since I'm going up first, he'll be on damage control,
But you know all about that, don't you, you god damn M*******.
You ****ing clog up our state with all your tourists and ****,
So we came up with a word for all the crap we permit.
We call you M*******s, you know, and though it's just a bit trite,
It's true cuz all you do is spew your **** all day and all night,
About how "splendid" it is to get away for a while
From the metropolis life you think is so versatile.
But let me tell you right now, Sir Cokes, your run's at an end.
Cuz my rhymes kick your ass so fast you simply can't comprehend.
You oughta quit now, even though you're behind
Before I start spittin so's it boggles your mind
My lyrical prowess'll leave you deaf dumb n blind
TAI'D UP AND HANG'D, left in a bind, like I'm Onix
Wanna stand a chance, better get Hooked on Phonics
You just a fake black actor, like my main ***** Chronic
When it comes to rappin, man you're a lost cause
You're just startin the game--I'm rewritin the laws
Chewin ya ass up like a lyrical Jaws
Then double baggin ya like the checkout at Shaw's
You're just a *****, so get back on ya paws
Cuz I'm bringin the goods like I'm Santa Claus
Arr Ecks Seven, Three-eleven, is far greater than thou,
So just one post's about the most that I've a mind to allow.
You're half right on Kris Kringle - your skills don't exist,
Watch my fist cuz now I'm pissed and you just had to persist.
You may as well be a Shaw's bagger, even at college age,
Gettin' minimum wage, coopin' up all your rage,
'Til you fly off the gauge, comin' out of your cage,
But you're still failin' at verse and you're gettin' booed off the stage,
Cuz every time you try to rap it fails to engage,
So you leave the club and storm outside completely enraged,
And run back home cryin' wishin' you had my acclaim,
But there ain't nothin' you can do to beat the Rex at this game.
Don't have a lotta time, gotta make this one brief
If you think you're beatin' me, well that's a crazy belief
Cuz I can spit more rhymes than your state's got teef
I'm the Hurons, you the lone Mohican chief
That's Fenimore Cooper, you can go check the text
You're gamblin' witcha life, and I'm stackin' the decks
I'm a cereal killa, and yo ass is now Chex
By the time I'm done spittin, labels cuttin me checks
In the meantime, I'm gonna finish of Rex
With a little somethin' nobody expects
The Inquisition: "Now it's time for you to listen
Keep rappin--Cokes'll put you in critical condition"
Not bad for a string, but you forgot one thing,
So I'll remind you: in Latin, Rex means King.
This is over, Sir Cokes, now watch the fat lady sing,
Cuz this king's about to throw you right out of the ring,
Like you were nothing. And that's a good estimation,
This ain't a battle - this is purely domination.
Throughout the nation people keep on callin' for me,
So they can follow the orders that this rap king will decree.
And as for Cokes - they're better off just drinkin' Pepsi,
Cuz they know, by your flow, you're just a whack emcee,
So when everyone you know is out there followin' me,
All you can do is curse my name - "**** YOU INFINITI THREE!"
The people are callin, alright - for me to strike ya dead
Take the GZA's Lyrical Swords and lop off ya head
Let ya jugular bleed out 'til the ground stained red
Your "reign"'s over, ain't you heard what I said?
The only king on this board goes by the name Cokes
Anyone challenges me, then they gettin force choked
Go 'head, try an' ask Mistah Lasastryke
He's residin six feet under a brand new dike
And I'ma keep spittin 'til your heartbeat ceases
Ot 'til Aeon has to ship you home in little pieces
Neither you nor any other is gonna stop me
This one's over, I'm finished your lobotomy
Only reason you're still around is 'cuz of a typo
Even Stevie can see you can't match up with my tight flow
You 'bout to find out, I'm the man like Inviso
When I'm done with you, coroner callin' you John Doe
I'm like Space Ghost, kickin' your ass from coast to coast
Not to boast, you're fallin face down like peanut butta toast
I'm this rap battle's savior, but you can be my apostle
If you get checked out, cuz right now your flow's menopausal
This battle's over, now I need a vacation
Cuz I brought ya to school like it's orientation
I just did the math and you ain't in the equation
I'm the new king of Board 8's hip hop nation
A new king? There's a challenger still remaining?
Oh wait, it's just Cokes, with more mindless complaining.
He's still in training, working towards a rap degree,
And he's jealous of me - bein' the genius emcee.
Betta flee, little Cokes, cuz your time is past,
Not to mention that the gap between us is too vast
For you to try to pass, and though you to try to harrass,
The only consequence this ends in is you kissing my ass.
So you'll get your vacation - better start on the journey,
Cuz as soon as I'm done rappin' you'll be out of the tourney,
And waiting with your friends for my true pro~clamation:
I'm still the uncontested king of your "hip hop nation."
Battle 19: DNEA vs TLOEdit
So, my opponent got here by disqualification?
Man, would I be embarrassed to be part of his nation!
But since this your first rap, I've decided to give you a little slack,
We'll start with something really simple, and then I'll go for my final attack.
See, my raps are ruthless, but you're just toothless,
In order to defeat me, you must find my weakness,
But you can't cause you're the Dan Hibiki to my Shen Long,
So you now think you can beat me? Well, I think you're... WRONG!
'Cause I'm the best, and you're not even in league with the rest.
You're so sexually depraved you want to put your sister to the test.
To tell you the truth man, you aren't even on the ball.
And trust me, no one's gonna catch you while you fall.
So DNEA thinks he's tough, he thinks he gots bells to jingle
This is coming from a guy who has the wang size of Tingle?
DQ or not, you still gotta get through TLO's ass
Just like Gandalf said homie, you shall not pass!
You raps are too simple man, just like those emos Simple Plan
When I'm through with you you'll be committing just like Stan
Your raps aren't hard dawg, they ain't even ruthless
They're just 12 lines of slander, 6 bars filled with truthless
Quit making false judgments like you're a damn seer
Cause the only thing I'm hearing is a really loud queer
Dont talk about my sister with your electron sized wang
Because man once you're finished I'mma break my fall and wash you down with Orange Tang
Terrible rhythm, horrible rhymes, and nothing close to flow?
Can I believe my eyes, it can't be! No, it's good ol' TLO.
Insulting the opponent's pecker size? Well, yes it's clear as the day!
Although if rapping skill was proportionate to wang size, no woman'd give you the lay,
But don't despair man, don't get out the razor blades, it's not yet time to end your life,
Because I foresee a special women for you... yes, your future wife!
She's as tall as the mountain, and her hair is long, curly and greasy,
And sure, she may be a little weird, and her visage may be a little beastly,
But take solace in the fact she's not interested in impaling you up the rear with her massive "lance".
Yes, folks, that's right! It's everyone's favorite, the one and only, MakeYourChance!
So Mr. TLO, now that you'll be married to one Miss MakeYourChance, how do you feel?
TLO: I'd rather go crack my skull while going down a flight of stairs by slipping on a banana peel...
Don't comment on my rhythm, and don't comment on my flow
Because the day that Gordon Freeman wins is when MYC becomes my nasty ho
Man your rap is a tragedy...you really think you can win this?
I think you're better off with something else... go stick with physics
It doesn't take physics of a mathematical equation
To figure out the victor and the person of elimination
You really wanted me to get out by DQ
But the reality is boy I'm walking out while you say FU
I can't believe you wasted half your rhymes on poor Gracie
Like the time you wasted money on handbags at Macy's
Hand me the victory now, because I'm pulling the curtains
Your chance of winning is like your Planck's constant sized wang, that's fo' sho I'm certain
Okay, enough Red Rover, 'cause you know what? Play time is over.
To win this you'll need more than God's grace and a four-leaf clover.
You act like you're tough, but you're really crying inside for this battle to stop,
You're ready to drop, 'cause you've taken more lickin's than a Tootsie Pop.
That rap must've been written by some hicks, you sounded like a girl on a sugar fix.
Now you're doomed to the corner of the street blowing out men's - *ahem* - "wicks".
Watch out, you're the next to go, 'cause I'm weeding this contest's fodder out.
I can't believe it, and now, don't shout. You're sub-Jay Solano, without a doubt.
With raps so abysmal, you're a rotten apple, all the way to the core,
And last time I checked the score it was DNEA: 2, TLO: -4
You act like you're the real McCoy, you have delusions of you being an Emm Cee,
But to tell you the truth, you're a square and therefore just a cluster of energy.
Rap battle aint' play time son, you play with yourself like Michael Jackson
And don't be embarrassed that your middle name is Saxon
You're the one crying cause you know you can't win
So your only option now is to D. Put it in
I'm light-years ahead of you, I don't need your tips
Cause you've already been forgotten like that white dude who was on ChiPs
Don't hate on Solano man, cause's he's got a 12 gauge
Because he's pissed at you from typing this from an N-Gage
I'm like Kanye's Diamonds, I go on forver
This will be the last time you participate in Rap Battle ever
Your rap is like murder man, it's been premeditated
Even Zachnorn would have to say, that your punk ass is overrated
Battle 20: Wigs vs SEPEdit
heyHEY you, my main pigeon, come step up and play my game.
You’ll find out, when I’m through with you, you’ll NEVER be the same.
You may think that you’re in luck, be-cause-my-knowl-edge-is-quite-lim-it-ed-a-bout-you.
What I do know though is more than enough, you-pose-as-a-penguin-and-a-pigeon-who-say-coo.
You drop turds, you’re a freakin BIRD… goin’ round thinkin’ you’re so bi-avicular
But I have heard, your direction’s ABSURD; askin’ “Where’s Parallel and what’s Perpendicular?”.
Your main "man" is a Weedle called Centwaur, which to catch you would set a rod.
You’re as lame as the plot of a Film Noir, and you get owned by Metapods.
My Nidoqueen’ll use her Toxic on you, followed up by some Double Kicks.
Ess Eee Pee, you’re only slightly erotic; cuz you can’t deal with TM Oh Six.
Come here, Pigeon; we all know you’re just a SQUAB! UHHHH!...!
So… “Looks like “Sep”’s blasting off a-WAHHHHHHHHHBAAAAAAAA!
I'll give it up for you, man, I know you tried your best
But it ain't with flyin' colors that you're passin' this test
Makin' fun of a man's gimmick, that ain't coo you know
Least my name ain't remindin' of an overrated show
Like the Simpsons, you're just through, you were better in your prime
I don't see how you've lived this long, you just postin' is a crime
I think I'd rather read 'bout Warbot, how he's rapin' preschool hoes
You're my dog, you know the kind, so bend now and touch yo' toes
'Cuz I'm comin' from behind, but atleast I'll show some class
These are hundred dollar kicks 'bout to be shoved up yo' ass
But I think I'll cut you loose, I'll be fair and take a dive
Better quit now, boy, 'cuz you've yet to see me thrive
Hear this, SEP, you may think for me it’s over, that I’m all out of time.
But you’re still heatin’ in my oven slash toaster, getting roasted by zeroes and nines!
You’re a Great Allmighty Poo; a common Nobody too, just like good our friend Roxas.
You defendin’ “coo” makes me pity you foo, just ask “B.A.” Baracus!
But I admit, maybe raggin’ on your coo, was kinda harsh on my part,
But when it’s the only thing you got, it gets old, don’t take it to heart.
Now, you’re so stupid, you’d use Earthquake on a Skarmory,
You be looking at Spongebob, and wanna buy one at a Fromagerie
The Simpsons were amazing when in their prime… recently, they suck, it’s true.
But, I couldn’t POSSIBLY figure out who wins this rhyme…. Now, I wanna know, can you?
Well, bein’ my job, you know, I’ll give it a shot.
I’ll give you a hint though: He says “heyHEY” a lot.
I like you man, I really do, so I feel kinda bad
Just give up now, you're really done, 'cuz that was all but rad
You think you've got it with that alone, I hate to say you're mistaken
If I didn't know better, I'd laugh and cheer, 'cuz it's surely like you're fakin'
Your rhymes are complicated, tryin' to make my head spin
Just accept you're more worthless than the male Wonder Twin
Form of Water, *****, I'm swishin' you aroun'
Quicker than Titanic, I'll be takin' you down
When talkin' 'bout forest fires, Smokey didn't mean you
We all know when it's in your hands, our lives are all through
I'm sorry, man, I really am for ownin' you foo'
It's your turn, your final stand... What'cha gonna do?
SEP, I’m a rappin’ machine, up to me you could never measure,
When I’m finis, ask Bowie and Queen, they’ll know you’re under pressure!
If you think that you’ve got the ad, you’re one crazy Wacko, SEPlito.
Cuz you don’t got what it takes to be “Bad”, crusin’ just like Jacko’s Tito.
You’ll say I’ll go down faster than Titanic, but that took almost 3 hours.
So by the time you’ve finished your antics, I’d have laid Peach as much as Bowser,
Cuz when I finish my job here, you gonna wish you were never alive,
Cuz rapin’ and outrhymin’ newbs like you, gives me rapping stat plus 105.
I can’t even look at you man, you scare away your own reflection!
You make even Phoenix vomit, before he can yell OBJECTION!!
So now I’m here to end this fight, cuz crushin’ you ain’t against my morality!
So step right up and TEST YOUR MIGHT, and I’ll de-spine you with a bloody FATALITY.
I'll hand it to ya, your references are cute
But even Carrot Top would have you on Mute
See, I'm like Lance Armstrong, fightin' to the top
Nothin's holdin' me down, just listen as I bop
I could beat you with testicular, brain, lung, even ovarian cancer
That last one makes less sense then Britney marryin' a backup dancer
See, that's just my point son, your raps ain't makin' sense
It's like you're reachin' up your ass but it's all too dense
So you're just takin' up the first thing that you find
If it rhymes then it's 'aight, man, I don't get your kind
You're like a movie-to-game translation, you look good on sketch
But in action you're left behind, and it's my home stretch
Battle 21: Aeon vs CC007Edit
Whoops, our host arrived a bit late!
But fear not, your Aeon urges I'm here to sate
Heard wild cries of encore, dis raps my Freebird
Double A's back once more on da keyboard
As I flex my mouf muscles, I'm rhymin ripped
Fo forcin' da Count back into he crypt
I'm da Angry Sun come to tear you apart
I'm holy water, garlic, I'm a stake in yo heart
That's if you was a vampire, ya got no such luck
You just metaphorically, categorically suck
When you Count the final tally with dismay you'll be sayin'
ONE vote, TWO votes, THREE votes for Aeon! AH HA HA!
You're late, boi, but I'm surprised you showed up at all
Because your dialogue is more bland than Squall
Your electricity may have gone out, but mine's still goin'
It's just like my rhymes, it never stops flowin'
This flow is what will cause me to continue my reign
I guess that's what happens when you use your head like Zidane
Too bad your brain is the size of a grain
Causing your rap to be plain and mundane
While mine is as is as renowned as the works of Mark Twain
It would seem that I've found that rapping is my niche
That's why I'm hear to slap you with mah pimp cane
...'cuz I'm the Juggernaut, *****!!!
Guess it's my role to stop you from butchering "niche"
Shut your piehole or I'll turn it into a quiche
You referenced like crap but yo rap had no frame
In deference to that, I'll beat you at your game:
Call my rhymes trite? Yours are paleolithic!
Like Christ on a triceretops, your brain's mythic
Less exciting than Kaz Harai's Racer of Ridge,
All your raps came from the Same Orphanage
If you're Juggy, you're a fat mutant blunder
If you're Mark Twain it's 'cause you're six feet under
If you're Zidane you just got yo ass carded
And lost like the French before we even started.
6 feet under? Everyone knows I'm undead!
Victory I'll plunder while you I will behead
That's right, I'm a pirate-vampire - a hybrid of badass
Groovin' in ecclesiastical attire 'cuz I've got lots of class
My rhymes are made of fire lookin' to burn your ass
In the end it'll come down to desire, and mine you can't surpass
So step back and admire as this match goes down to the wire
But everyone knew prior that I would come out higher
To find how old Aeon's raps are, we have to go to the past at light speed
But you must bring your own weapons, because safety is not guaranteed.
Looks like I laid down the law like an ambulance chaser
By the way, it's not Racer of Ridge, it's Ridge Racer
I heard your friends decided to stage an intervention
For rhymes so cold and artless they defy convention
Not to mention your content, it's plain to see
You think regurgitating fads from why-tee-em-en-dee
Is a mark of true skill, quintessential wit
But your vomit's not much different from the rest of yo ****
You've been hidin' yo wounds, but now we see the accretion
Every lash of my tounge's another lyrical lesion
Each beat that I drop's a canticle of contusions
Ten tons of my talent's the sure cure for yo delusions
Leavin' you in confusion, wasn't much of a task
Double A came, saw you, kicked your ass.
My rhymes are regurgitated? Yours are the ones hurled!
They're more unoriginal than the content of *****'s world
I don't care what you say - I am rubber you are glue
My victory is more anticipated than Clerks 2
Hell, I've got more hype than the likes of Portal
While your pathetic attempts make me chortle
The only people that like your crap are insane
While I've got a bigger fanbase than Snake on a Plane
After what I've done to you, I offer an apology
'Cuz now your face looks more ****ed up than scientology
Your rhymes are a crime that should be locked in a penitentiary
Now it's time for everyone to vote in the match of the century
Battle 22: DC vs SEPEdit
This isn't beef, this is true elites gettin' put to the test.
But I'ma grown man - SEP still gettin' fed from the breast.
Nevertheless, end up like the rest - gettin' beat by the best.
Battlin' DC causes stress I guess I'll clean up this mess.
Finesse is my game, this bird is so lame - always sayin' "Cooooo!"
This fool ain't cool when he rhymes lines - more like droppin' DOODOO!
And after studyin' your **** I only came to one conclusion.
That your rhymes are more fake than an optical illusion.
So do me a favor and learn how to spit somethin' legit.
I got lessons on how to rap maybe you should order my kit.
Piece of ****, you need to quit and stop posting phony scriptures.
Like a retarded photographer - you just don't get the picture.
Battle 23: Cokes vs WarEdit
I'm so damn good I can take you down in my sleep
My style's unfathomable, yours ain't even knee deep
I've seen you before, you keep on suckin like Dracula
Drop the gimmicks son, stick to ya vernaculah
Not 'bout to contemplate leavin this one to fate
And since bein' nobody's your only good trait
No need for me to wait, so you're gone after eight
This was over from the gates, I'm the king, checkmate
You keep on rapping like you're the man,
but who needs Dracula when you've got The Plan?
Checkmate you say, self-proclaimed king of Board Eight,
'cause you ain't Steinah, you're a tad late.
Nidoran F could outdo you, ya soda fool,
compared to Pepsi, Cokes you're just a tool.
You think that you can rhyme,
Any place, any time,
Your style's so weak even ertyu could hack it,
So could any YTMNDer while wearing a MySpace jacket.
Cola Man, I've heard more impressive words from a mime,
you have no chance to survive, MAKE YOUR TIME!
Here's some advice, cuz I'm such a giver
You wanna find flow? Go jump in a river
You must've graduated from the School of Menji too
Cuz you're takin' massive damage like crabs from Genji 2
That's how you tie a ref'rence to a rhyme, see
The way you been doin it, guess what? Still grimy
You think you can beat me, go ahead and try me
I'll send you back to your crib with a cupful of Hi-C
Your flow's ****ed up and your rhymes ain't tight
You need to kill the gimmicks and put up a damn fight
Cuz what I'm doin to ya, good Lord it ain't right
But you know what, forget it, this's over, goodnight.
Too rhymes with two? What a joke,
Come on Coke, don't go out and choke.
I'm praying that isn't your first username,
cuz if it is you belong in the crib, for shame!
You claim I have a gimmick, please explain,
since it seems you have more air than Snakes on a Plane.
Cokes, let me tell ya, you silly lass,
if you think I have a gimmick, pull your head out of your ass!
If it's a gimmick that you're begging to see,
then for my final verse I'll give you plenty.
I don't even know who one three one oh four is
I do know that he's about to learn what War is
Up until now this battle was just a little duel
I'll kick ya ass so hard there'll be Nike in ya stool
If Rex was Cloud Strife, I'm the Hero of Time
You say I'm chokin'? I'm the one doin' the heim
lich on your ass, tryin' to keep you from dyin'
So you can taste the whup ass I'm currently fryin'
Your flow, it's ****ed up, and so is your meter
Your rhymes are so cold that they need a space heater
In fact they so cold that they givin' me the chills
Feel like I'm in the morgue, sittin' next to your skills
You think your rhymes have depth, or that you inspire mirth?
Sorry Cokes, but you're not half the rapper ya think ya are, return to EARTH!
Claimin' that you're Link, it's not 2k3 you liar,
When I'm through with you, you'll have to put on the FIRE!
Thinkin' you're mature, du bist das Kind,
not full of hot air you are, just sour WIND!
With words like that I bet Engrish U. is your Alma Mater,
Keep chattin' about flow, I'd find more in a bottle of WATER!
Sadly, soon it'll be time for us to part,
I'll tell Ed Bellis you've sent love from your HEART!
Your rhymes aren't tight, just weak ancient granite,
BY MY RAPS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
Battle 24: Aeon vs TLOEdit
Fear the new funky Double A household appliance
Because kicking as much ass as I do's a science
I'm a cold, slick efficient rhyme spittin' blender
They took a look at TLO and said "return to sender"
Think you somethin' else because you got to round 3
When I'm set to high don't wanna be around me
I'll pulp the feeling of pride swelling up in yo chest
My sick blend'll send ya to cardiac arrest
When you think you're beaten, I'll switch to purée
And grind yo remains to an obscene entrée
Serve you up to board 8, but as you're realizing
Ain't no one gonna find ya too appetizing.
Double A ain't got no love but TLO ain't here to clown
The only thing I fear from you is a mechanical breakdown
Your faulty as it is getting censored by Tim Allen on Home Improvement
Your blends are stupid, dumb, just like the hyphy movement
It don't matter what the round is cause I ain't backin out
Cause they say TLO is a keeper, ship Double A's ass out
No one wants to see you on high, so turn your power back to zero
Why? With blades like that, go cut yourself emo
Send you back to the manufacturer so you can manufacture some new rhymes
I'll wait a bit later so I can say better luck next time
Double A I'm just like wine, with time I get fina'
Your rhymes are just like your blender son, they were both made in China
I gotta give credit where credit is due, nobody's yet daunted me quite like you
Yes, your plan's more cunning than yo face would belie
Tryin' to rhyme so bad I'm too ashamed to reply!
I can't regress enough to address yo weak drivel,
Your raps less effective then a tank wit no swivel
Get yourself an overhaul, I'm sick of this abasement
You'd be more like fine wine rottin' in my basement
Only times ya get drank is when it's out of a swill
You stank, you tanked like a rank imbecile.
For 9 lines I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt
But you can’t give credit if yo ass is maxed out
I got a cunning plan but it’s between me and ‘Card
And we both agree that your rap game is nothing so hard
One bad tank won’t slow me down when I got a whole corps
I’ll pound you into submission harder than a Memphis crack whore
You talk about overhaul when you dropped the ball
Weren’t you the guy who had his blenders on recall?
If you haven’t figured it out Aeon you better get a clue
Or else you’ll be more faded than purple drank like DJ Screw
You better show me some muscle and cut out the fat
Or you’ll end up like Urkel saying “Did I do that?”
Time ta organize some lies to explain why I'm delayed --
Sayin' I was at the vet ensuring tee el oh got spayed?
But thinkin 'bout the man's prospects of ever gettin laid
I'd say the gene pool's safe so I'll change my charade
And assert that I was hurt by the wads of rhyme he blew
Sneezed 'em out so poor his whole corps died from the flu
My blenders work enough to turn yo ass to cottage cheese
Got recalled cuz when we ate it we caught yo damn disease
Show you muscle? Don't be vexed, but I'm ripped like a rock
I been afraid when I flexed you'd fall over in shock
Get a Clue? I'll have ya know instead of listenin' to ya mope
Colonel Mustard strung hisself up wit tha rope
It’s time to teach a lesson Board 8 won’t forget
Because after this match the letter A won’t exist on the alphabet
You say you organizing lies when you’re really organizing your bags
You may have cut my nuts off but hey at least I don’t sag
You tough like Japan but it’s over cause I’m atomic
Here come the airstrikes you’ll be out like gin and tonic
Yo blenders are weak son they can’t cut me
Stop wasting time on these rhymes and start waiting for PS3
Try to take me to school but you a MacGyver without class
And give this message to Cokes: I’m pulling a miracle out of my ass
You’re like a fake ass IronGrunty who forgot to say clang!
And just like White Southern laundry, you need to be hanged
Battle 25: DC vs AeonEdit
Now you see, I always go first. Why? Cause I'm the lowest seed.
Better than Starcraft, and you sure as hell ain't no Final Fantasy.
Homie, you can't spit quick like me - you can't even spit slow.
In fact, you got that Special Olympic type flow.
You know, a rhyme scheme that's all retarded and sloppy.
Your rhymes wouldn't be **** if you farted a copy.
Heard you got identical genitals to castrated extraterrestrials.
And ever since your balls dropped your wang can't support your testicles?
That's gotta suck but I don't care who you are - that's pretty funny.
Like me bangin' Double A's mom - dressed up as a bunny.
The energizer, I keep flowing and flowing with smooth chemistry.
You're the host - but I'm the King and you'll never dethrone me!
Don't you call me a halfwit, I'm freakin' omniscient
But suppose baselessly I'm a bit brain defecient
I'd still shut you out like you weren't even there
Straight dominate ya from my pimped out wheelchair
Cuz my dribble's mo potent than the best rhymes you sputter
My mouf's a megaphone against your meek mutter
I'll assassinate yo ass wit smooth sibilations
Don't even need to mention yo Furry inclinations
Your intentions are pure but yo flaws are sundry
An Enertron without substance -- you leave 'em hungry
Before you call yoself a battery look at where ya stand
You're facing the unstoppable Double A brand.
When the text spins count Double A in as my next win.
Like strippers at motels - he was beat from the check in.
Told him I run this ****, tried to bend the rules instead.
I'll cut you from the neck down - next time just use your head.
You're dead, and I ain't playin' I'm gonna beat you in the worse way.
You?.. Beating me?.. Impossible! Like Michael Jackson teachin' 1st grade.
I know you want us to say your flows hot - but you're in the wrong spot.
You're already down too much so you won't win by a long shot.
I'M HOT! Why **** with the King, don't you know my credentials?
Everything I rhyme is gold, your **** at best is potential.
You came with a dictionary, thought you were prepared for the sequel.
But all you have is big words - like we discussin' fat people.
Battle 26: Ed vs CokesEdit
Rhymemaster E, the main marquee, I’m here with punctuality
Brought all my skill from Bellisville, where rap’s my nationality
Expressin’ and compressin’ and professin’ this duality:
In terms of best ain’t no contest at least in this reality
They call ya cokes but more like chokes out rhymes full of banality
With raps so lame they might proclaim unconstitutionality
Cuz it’s a crime to try and rhyme while under the mentality
That y’all can win – now that’s a sin offending my morality
I’ll shock ya bare, an electric chair of words for a fatality
Y’all think I’m gay, but I don’t play – it’s flowmosexuality
Take my advice, you’ll pay the price, I’ll skip all the formality
If y’all can boast at least five votes, then it’s an abnormality.
Look who's returned, Cokes is back from the dead
Ready to rip apart this ****** ass named Ed
Back with rhymes stronger than a Cannibal Ox
I'ma spread Ed on my bagel like cream cheese n lox
I think I've figured out why you rap, Ed Bellis
You just wanna use your cred to bed fellas
Your last rap wasn't rhymin, it was addin' suffixes, clown
And I don't think you're gay, but you got the gag reflexes down
It's gonna take more than that if you want a shot at the crown
Cuz I can leap MCs twice your size in a single bound
Your rap skills are listed at security code brown
After this line, go n get your pride from the lost and found
Yo Crunkmaster E took a week-long sabbatical
Wrap my mind ‘round cokes’s beats; I found them problematical
Didn’t think it was possible to rap so preposterously
Found it more painful than a colonoscopy
Shootin’ out gibberish – lemme put ya in yo’ place
If rap’s your Forte, then I guess I’m yo’ Bass,
Leave you Mega Busted, vaporized without a trace,
So just call me Robotnik cuz there’s egg on yo’ face
Guess yo’ raps are the butt of my favorite jokes –
Close the curtain, show’s over, t-t-that’s all, Cokes!
For callin' me preposterous, you're actin' pretty Looney
You're doin the truffle shuffle like you belong in the Goonies
What the Chunk Ed Bellis, make up your damn mind
Wanna win, gotta stop gettin ****ed from behind
You think a colonoscopy hurts, wait 'til I put my boot in ya ass
I'm the rap valedictorian, you're dead last in the class
You may be Bass, but how low can you go?
I'm sendin' ya to death row, that's what a brother know
Cuz rappin's my Forte, I'm the MC of eminence
You got no skills, but a pantload of impotence
Run along Ed Bellis, while you're still physically able
Rap again, you're gettin Viper Beam'd like I'm Cable