This fanfic was written by transience on the 27th of May 2008.
what is this i don't even
Background Info Edit
there's this girl named Suree, a good friend of icon. icon asked her out last month and she sort of said yes, but she's always putting him off and saying how she thought he was pitying him because she always has bad dates or something. she's stupid, it's a long story that I've been hearing for months.
anyway, after a month they finally decided to go out on Saturday. I kept telling him that she was going to cancel. he was like "wanna bet?"
"if she cancels, you have to make five topics proclaiming how amazing Icehawk is. all of them must be sexual."
"and if she doesn't, you have to write a GMUN/Dr. Pizza yaoi fanfic."
"...crap, I got the bad end of this one. okay."
Dr. Pizza is a simple man. He is 25 years old, and has spent 23 of those years in a dark basement screaming at a camera about how no one wants to have sex with him. The reasons for why people do not want to have sex with him is simple - his hair is a disaster, his body looks like the Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters, he's racist, he rants like an autistic kid with tourette's - but despite all these very clear faults, he has not given up hope. After all, even the jp managed to get some lovin'. Sure, the girl in question lived in Nebraska and thought Phantasy Star 3 was a good game, but it was lovin' nonetheless.
Dr. Pizza has realized his problem -- girls just don't like him. He is, in a word, offensive. It was time to lower his standards.
The phone rang.
"been thinkin' 'bout ye..."
"Who is this?"
GuessMyUserName explained his situation - turned down by a woman-turned-man-turned-who-knows-what, he was willing to try anything and everything.
"You're not one of those stupid ****ing americans, are you?"
"Okay, I'll let you into my basement. My dad will be gone from 6pm to 8pm. Bring Timbits, a baseball bat, lube and a flashlight."
"Why a flashlight?"
"...that's not the first thing I would have asked about."
GMUN arrived at the specified time, eager to get out of his tanooki suit. Dr. Pizza looked at the baseball bat, pleased.
Out of nowhere, a voice.
"HOME RUN BATS ARGHHHH WORST ITEM EVER"
Behind them was Ulti. His face looked like he just inhaled skunk ass.
"SORRY I WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE SOONER BUT I LAGGED -- ****ING LAG -- BUT FORTUNATELY I TECHED OFF THE GROUND AFTER I TRIPPED AND USED MY INVINCIBILITY FRAMES TO L-CANCEL SNAKEDASH AIRSMASH THE WALL. SORRY ABOUT THAT. THIS GAME SUCKS."
Ulti got up and left, on his way for another 47 hour Brawl marathon. It was like somebody was torturing him and he desperately needed more. He planned to lower his review score to a 1 in order to "stick it to the man". That would really show the world how hard he was.
Dr. Pizza swore 43 times in 10 seconds, besting his old record of 38. GMUN blinked in confusion. He spoke quietly, with a slight hint of excitement in his voice.
"so...like.... ye were lookin' for some companionship and I dunno, I just thought ye could be with me..."
Dr. Pizza took off his shirt. GMUN closed his eyes for a split second, wondering what he'd gotten himself into. But this was his one chance to finally find out what it would be like to nail pikaness and he wasn't about to back down now. He opened them back up and took off his tanooki suit, said "yiff" a few times and exposed his beautiful 16 year old body to the world.
The webcam was still on. He saw this and got excited.
Dr. Pizza ran up to him and ripped off his clothes in the most unsexual way possible. "THIS IS THE STUPIDEREST IDEA EVER LET'S GET IT OVER WITH." GMUN nodded and obliged.
"is that even a word?"
"SHUT UP AND GO TO WORK."
GMUN, scared out of his mind, was excited. He did what was asked of him. Dr. Pizza explored his body while GMUN purred in anticipation. Neither of them had ever really been with another man -- or woman, for that matter -- and so it took them a while to figure out what to do. They both started licking each other wildly when they heard footsteps.
"ALLEN? IS SOMEONE HERE?"
It was Dr. Pizza's dad. Father Pizza came downstairs and saw the unthinkable.
"Dad it's not what you think."
"It's okay, Allen. We're no strangers to love."
GMUN spoke up. "ye know the rules, and so do I!"
Fr. Allen smiled. "A full commitment's what I'm thinking of."
Dr. Pizza got excited. "GMUN, you wouldn't get this from any other guy!"
GMUN, Dr. Pizza and Fr. Pizza spent all night together. There was no giving up. Dr. Pizza did not let GMUN down. He would never tell a lie or desert him.